I read somewhere that people who give the best advice, are often the ones going through the most difficult times in that area of their life. Now, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I am often approached for advice, and typically as I give it out, they accept it, enjoy it, and then I walk away saying “I should really be taking my own advice.”
Funny how this all works right? I’ve had this blog up for about 2 years now, took a few breaks from social media, including writing, but always come back to add something to it.
I also noticed that I find myself taking more social media breaks. Not because I have nothing to say, but because I simply have SO MUCH GOING ON in my life. Though, they are things that I do hope to learn and grow from. Things that I have drafted up 10 times before but are all sitting there in my draft folder, right now as I type this out. I feel that a lot of people have been doing these kinds of breaks, for many different reasons I’m sure, but I guess this post is about me explaining why I’ve been needing these breaks.
I have expressed this a few times- I am not perfect, I do not have all of the answers, and I can truly only write about what has and hasn’t worked for me. From there you be the judge and see if that’s helpful. I always aim to make sure that I own my story and that by sharing it, someone out there who doesn’t know how to voice their own similar circumstances, can relate just enough to understand that they are not alone.
Today’s topic? Divorce.
The “D” word was never allowed in our home. It was never an option. Not even as a joke. Strictly forbidden. Catching on to how I said “was”?
My husband and I have reached a very real point in our marriage where it is an option and we are carefully trying to discern if that is our only option at the moment.
Excuse the realness for those who know us both. We tend to stay quiet. The silence is real here. So, it’s weird finally putting this out there.
There have been a lot of events leading up to this point in our lives. We have so many great and wonderful memories, and accomplishments as well, so understandably this would make this next decision a hard one to make.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my husband. I truly do. He has been my best friend, he has been an amazing provider for our family, and he has always been there for me and our children. Not without faults, but still, he has always been there. I try to do the same, and I hope he has seen my endless efforts to be a decent wife and mom in our home.
Now, all of this to say, again, not without faults. Myself included. Especially myself.
Some things are real hard to talk about, and I have been open and honest with a select few friends. Although I do love my husband, I also do recognize that at the moment, I’m not in love with him. To me that is a big difference from our current low compared to all the rest.
I was always able to love my husband through past hurts. I was always able and willing, and trying relentlessly to work on our marriage in whatever way I could come up with. Even during the times he didn’t want to, I would try even harder. But now I’ve reached the point where I am not all there.
I struggle on this topic as a person who has vowed “for better and for worse, in sickness and in health- until death do us part.” Those vows I took to heart and never let go of what they meant. As a Christian, I also struggle on this matter because I don’t want to break the promises I made to God. So, you see how I haven’t talked about this subject before?
What I have come to learn is that when I made these vows, I meant them. Even when I didn’t fully understand them. With our recent vow renewal, Jason and I both made new vows to more accurately represent what we now understand to be realistic. Even then, the one vow that keeps haunting me is, “until death do us part”.
I have recently questioned, is death only in the physical? Or can it also mean in the spiritual? A metaphor of sorts? Because truth be told, a few set backs ago, I never recovered from that hurt in our marriage. Part of me died and I know I will never be the same.
Now, I won’t speak for my husband. This is all me. My perspective. My thoughts on the matter. My rawness. I will still respect the intimate details of our long story, but for the most part, I can still share my feelings on the matter.
All of what we are going through, it all leaves me to feel like a failure.
I am the one who asked for this separation. I am the one asking to end the marriage we have had these past 6 years. I am the one. Even though I know why I am asking for it all, I am still feeling like a failure.
I failed my husband.
I failed my children.
I failed my faith.
I failed my family.
Don’t get me wrong though, this is not to create a pity party. So please don’t pity me. I don’t pity myself. Don’t pity my husband either. We are both adults and we are both aware of what we are going through. This is all simply to say that I recognize that I did fail, and through this next season in my life, I am learning how to move forward. Staying in our current marriage? That wouldn’t be moving forward.
I do believe this to be true: Success can only come from failure.
So I am allowing myself the opportunity to accept this failure, so that I may succeed moving forward. I hope one day my husband will understand this a little more and will forgive me for this.
Ouch. The “f” word.
That’s what I’ve truly been struggling with. Not the failure part. The forgiveness part.
To be super blunt: my husband forgave me for an affair I had. Not just once, but twice. (Oh how I hear the glass shattering all around me.. Sorry.) Now, no amount of reasons or excuses will ever make what I did right. I own my fallings. It truly has amazed me how this amazing man was still able to love me through that hurt and forgive me and still want to create a feature together in spite of it all.
But I haven’t forgiven myself.
This is why I’m letting go.
How I got to the point of having an affair, well, not that it’s an excuse, but I didn’t get there out of no where. Respectfully, that is between my husband and I to understand. Point is, my being in that position was not one I walked into clear out of the blue, but it is one I still fully regret.
And that is when I died.
That was when until death do us part comes in to play.
When this all happened, it was no longer “we are in a rut”.. We were no longer in “we need to have a date night soon” phase. When this all happened, part of who I was died. The very fiber of my being changed, and it killed the Jazmin that began this journey of marriage we started 6 years ago.
I hate that I did this. That I allowed myself to get this far away from everything I believed in. I own it, but I hate it.
My husband isn’t perfect, but even then he didn’t deserve this. Yes it takes two to tango, but even if I laid out all of his dirty laundry for you to understand how I got here, would it ever truly be enough? The way I hurt him is something I regret so much. It’s what’s making this decision we are considering so hard. He still forgave me even though I hurt him so much, and here I am again, hurting him in a different way.
I share all of this not to give you something to gossip about, but rather a perspective of what goes on in a marriage. Not that it is normally like this, or that it will always end up like this, but rather, that some marriages (like mine) will go through hell and back, and hell again. Sometimes marriages go through “rough patches” that seem fixable and normal, but sometimes they’re not.
This is the part that no one talks about. The part during the process of needing to truly consider whether a marriage is truly irreparably broken, or if there is anything left to salvage.
Surely some of our close friends will try to butt in and get more info or try to “be there” for us. Truth be told, some of you might mean it, some of you not so much. So at this point, I’m going to use this forum of messy confessions to ask that those who do know us personally, please don’t reach out unless you truly intend to be there for us. Unless you are fully capable of dealing with our current home arrangement, of our current parenting plan (because we are first and foremost parents of two children that need us 100%), and unless you plan to stick around for whatever is to come next.
This is where I feel that the reason most couples don’t talk, they don’t feel comfortable enough with their circle of friends and family. That being vulnerable enough to share this sensitive topic of “I’m in a marriage that is struggling” is redundant and unimportant. We talk about the blissful times in the beginning, and then we jump to the “how I moved on” part after all has been said and done. But when we skip the middle, the messy part, healing doesn’t take place. Sometimes for years, and sometimes not at all.
To anyone that can possibly relate to any of this, I do surely hope you are able to surround yourself by people that allow you to be vulnerable. By people that love you and your spouse equally enough to not have to pick sides. I hope you surround yourself with a support system that will help you to heal, because even though one of you made the decision to end things, it doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt you too. The process is long and hard. Getting to the point of considering all of this, it is long and filled with so much hurt. Trust me, I know.
So don’t hold back. Face your fears. Think for yourself for just a moment. Invest in yourself. Love yourself.
As I have finally begun to allow myself to learn from all of this: I can’t love my spouse if I don’t love myself. I can’t forgive my spouse if I can’t forgive myself.
That’s what I will be working on the next few weeks as my husband and I try to figure out what’s next. I hope you can give yourself that same opportunity. ❤