I haven’t posted much about lupus in quite a while. I’ve felt like I’ve been managing it well truthfully. Aside from weather being a constant factor that I cannot control, everything else seems like “Yeah! I’ve got this!”
But lately, I haven’t been in control. Lupus affects so much of my mood, energy, and the most obvious, pain all over my body.
Recovering from physical injuries is so much harder on my body than I anticipated it would be. I do chiro care, physical therapy, and on a monthly basis for now, massage therapy too. None of it is easy, and it requires a lot of my time, energy, and finances.
My physical fitness journey this year has been amazing and I’ve been so happy with the changes I’ve made. But my injury back in mid-February has set me back so much I haven’t been able to do the same amount of work that I had been doing at the beginning of the year.
There are times when I am at my PT session where I just want to break down and cry. I feel so weak. I feel frustrated that I haven’t been able to recover faster than I have been. Just the month before my injury I could do 5 times as much work than I can do now.
I’m happy I’m improving, but it’s so hard to not compare myself to things I was able to do recently.
I feel incompetent at times.
From the things I used to be able to do at the gym, to daily chores at home. Even my ability to be a decent wife and parent.
I’ve had to be at so many appointments lately that my daughter made a comment to my sister in law saying how she wishes I wasn’t so busy because she misses me.
I’m a stay at home mom and I’ve been so busy lately my daughter misses me. How is that even possible?! *heart shatters into a million pieces*
I’m not a perfect person and I own that.
I own my flaws.
I own my mistakes.
But to own my shortcomings as a parent, now that is still a hard pill to swallow.
I know this is a lot of word vomit, but I need to get it off my chest, all of this.. and I hope that at least one person that ends up reading this knows they’re not alone in feeling defeated by life in their current situation.
I don’t have all of the answers for myself, yet. But I can say this:
Recognizing that I am struggling helps me a lot.
Recognizing I’m not alone tells me that I’m not the worst person on the planet because we are HUMAN and there is always hope that things will get better.
The best advice I can give to myself for now is to appreciate/maximize the time I do spend with my kids so that they know without a doubt that I love them.
Self care is a huge thing everyone should be on top of. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too. Our examples of self care will go far. It’ll break the negative stigma around needing to care for yourself.
We can’t be there for others if we can’t be there for ourselves.
I’m not asking for a pity party here. My purpose in writing this has been made complete with just one person understanding it’s okay to feel defeated at times. That feeling like this.. they are not alone.
All I can say now is to hang in there.
We got this.
Things will get better.
Life will improve.
We just have to keep trying and allow it the opportunity to come through for us.
We can do it…even when we can’t. 💜