Sometimes I can’t muster up the energy to tackle on the day.
To tackle on being a good enough mom.
A good enough wife.
A good enough child (because although I’ve been on “my own” for 7 years, I’m still a child in my parents eyes). To add to that, I struggle with being a good enough sibling.
These days come and go, but over time they begin to weigh heavier and heavier.
I haven’t posted much about life lately. A lot of good has happened, but there’s still a big reason for not sharing at all. In respect to my mission here, I am going to try and be as open, vulnerable and as honest as possible. So, bare with me as I open up more deeply than I have with my closest friends.
When it comes to my marriage, we have hit the tallest and thickest wall to date, and we are struggling so damn hard to climb over this monstrous uphill battle.
Hills and valleys. We all experience them, I know. But the energy to keep moving forward is ridiculously hard. What’s harder is convincing myself we are not alone, especially because NO ONE ever talks about this stuff until AFTER they have found their solution to their specific circumstance (whether that is counseling, getting separated/divorced, or renewing vows, etc.). But during? Yeah. I’ve never heard anyone talk about that. Not while it’s raw, and oh so freaking tough.
So, vulnerability here. I’m going to talk about some (5 specific things actually) of the stuff, but no super specific details, simply because Jason and I are still sorting through these issues, and more so because I don’t have the answers yet. And truthfully, if my mom reads this, she’ll wonder why I haven’t spoken to her about this at all (sorry mom, with some things, I still don’t know how to approach you-this is the part where I struggle with being a child, your child).
Any who….here are the 5 areas where we are struggling. The 5 areas where sometimes I can’t and sometimes I can put in the energy:
1. Compromising. I believe that when my husband and I got married, it was pretty obvious that we were going to make compromises throughout our marriage. But somewhere along the way, I found that both of us stopped compromising and both of us have decided to take certain tasks upon ourselves to just deal with things. Sometimes this isn’t a big deal, but after years of being married and “compromising”, it’s just not healthy for the marriage. At least not for our marriage. Which has definitely lead to..
2. Communication. Or lack of I guess. Jason and I have always been open and honest with one another. We have always aimed to never go to bed angry. To talk through our arguments, even if the talking comes after some hard core yelling. But slowly over time, we have allowed ourselves to talk less and less. Whether it’s to “nag” or to praise one another, our communication just hasn’t been the best. We’re working on it, but it’s definitely something that has to change ASAP. I miss how we used to talk all of the time, so I really hope this begins to change soon.
3. Fidelity. Now, before anyone tries to pick “sides” or judge either of us, remember that my goal is to be honest, and that I am being extremely vulnerable here. This isn’t to air out dirty laundry “just because”. I genuinely hope that whatever I write can help someone. To help them realize that they truly are not alone. Like I said, this is the stuff no one talks about. So let me be the first to talk about this…I continue:
Fidelity. There are some obvious boundaries that should never be crossed. There are other boundaries that have to be specified between the two in the relationship. Currently, in regards to personal set boundaries, we have both crossed lines. We have both failed each other. But we were both willing to admit to these lines being crossed, allowing us both to make a decision on what comes next (this part I am grateful for). Sure, sometimes this can be a cause and effect type of situation, but regardless, both lines that were crossed happened because we made the decision in that moment to act first, think later. We are both working on fixing this. But it is definitely hard to bounce back from this. Trust is a fragile privilege to share, and a huge struggle to rebuild, but we are trying to get through this.
4. Commitment. This is not to be confused with fidelity. I am speaking about the commitment we both made to one another the day we got married covering our lifespan, to the type of commitment we made with one another from earlier this morning when we were talking about our daily goals. The amount of effort we both need to put into our marriage in the multiple areas where we need to rely on one another and commit to one another and follow through with these little promises, this is an area where we have struggled to uphold our word and it has begun to bite us in the ass. When it comes to the 5 Love Languages, I am a person who responds most to Acts of Love. Which for me is equivalent to “your word is your bond”. You break your word, and I won’t trust you anymore. But when you are married, and in love, well, you tend to allow things to slide by just a little bit more. That doesn’t mean it’s okay, which is why being a repeat offender in this area can dig you into a deeper hole. So that’s something we are both working on as well.
and 5. Choosing Love. A part of me truly believes that to be “in love” is part choice. Part destiny, but part choice. So when I am not feeling super in love with my husband, I recognize that it’s partly because I have decided that his faults, or his morning breath, or whatever, comes before my choosing to love him. Some days I look at my husband and he is the absolute sexiest man on the planet and I cannot fathom how we got paired together, leaving me to feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Some days. Lately though? I have allowed points 1-4 get in the way, leading me (specifically me) to choose that loving my husband isn’t a priority. I hate that. But, I have admitted this to myself, and more importantly to him. I hope that my being aware can only help me to remember to be more intentional with loving him. Daily. Practice makes perfect right?
Now, had I written about this a month ago, I would tell you that I wasn’t too sure if we would survive this. My energy for trying was way past E (empty). But since Jason and I have confronted each other in these areas, started marriage counseling, and allowed each other the time and space to think about what we want to do, I can honestly say that I am finding myself feeling like there is some hope in saving our marriage. He specifically has been trying so hard. Hard enough for the both of us. Meanwhile I have been trying to decide if this was even a fight I wanted to fight anymore.
So I’ll try. I will continue to try. This isn’t the kind of try that I have been trying these past 5.5 years. This kind of try requires a whole new level of strength, humility, effort, and energy. It’s something new. So I have to try.
Now, don’t let Facebook pictures fool you. When it comes to your friends, family, or “others” sharing those lovely sentimental photos that make you go “awwww”..take a moment to appreciate it, and then acknowledge that this isn’t how they are 100% of the time. Sometimes, the best of the best have bad days too. And that’s okay. So don’t compare.
I tend to post mainly about our successes. Not that the smiles and praises I have posted haven’t been genuine, but these are literally just moments compared to years of this type of work in progress we have been getting through. You start off great, then slowly, if you’re not careful, things can take a backslide. When that happens, it’s hard to get back. So when you see these beautiful moments that are shared, just remember that they happened in an instant, and they could have lasted for a day, or sometimes, just for a minute. But in those moments, where I take the time to shower my husband with love in a post or by sharing a picture of us.. those moments are genuine.
So, sometimes I can’t find the words, the energy, the strength, or the courage to tackle on these tough days. But sometimes, I can. So I will.