logans mom

Logan’s Mom

*I just downed a full glass of red wine, and I haven’t done that in a while. Forgive me if at some point I don’t make sense, but I really need to write this out. So here I go…

Dear Logan’s Mom,

I have been following Logan’s story through your updates.

I see you suffering.

And I want to tell you that you are not alone. You see, I suffer with you too (of course no where near compared to what you are experiencing). I have my own separate battles, but your pain has truly become my own.

I have seen you doing everything in your power to help those you love, well before any of this came to light. I see you trying, researching, cooking, changing every habit imaginable, and searching for more answers and ways to help save your sons life. I see you loving on your children, embracing their every breath. Your particular situation is one no one should ever go through, but yet, daily others do. Diffuse Intrinsic Potine Glioma (DIPG) sucks big time. No child should ever have to go through this. And especially not your little Logan.

I have been watching your family grow since 2013, and so the news of Logan’s diagnosis is not one I have taken lightly. I’ve been praying. Hard (if that’s even possible). I’ve been wondering what I would do if this was my child. I have cried.

logan

Last month I cried wildly into my husbands shoulders-even though we were on day 2 of giving each other the silent treatment. The day after Logan’s diagnosis an 8 year old boy, whom I have known since he was a newborn along with my daughter, passed away from a similar diagnosis. So hearing all of this again, it’s just a nightmare that I wish I could wake you up from. But I can’t. I really can’t.

I want to say that God doesn’t give us what we can’t handle, but I don’t believe that. I believe that sometimes when we can’t handle it, it’s a reminder to just hand it all back over to Him. But I’m not here to preach. If anything I’ve learned more about faith from you than I have learned from when I have tried to actively figure out my place in His plan.

But I have learned this: You are strong. You are brave. You have been one of the most authentic mommas I have ever come across. You have openly shared Logan’s story, and we are just one month in to this journey. A lot has changed. Perspective has changed for me (as I’m sure for you and many others). I’m sure there are days where you might feel like you can’t go down this road, and there are some days where you just wish it wasn’t real. I’m sure there is no break from the time you close your eyes for sleep, to the moment you wake up where you ask “what else can I do?”. I don’t know how you do it. I get that you have no choice but to do it. But for that, please understand that you are a hero.

I know you don’t want to be in this place. You don’t want to be brave. You don’t want to be courageous. You don’t want to be a hero. You are just doing what you need to do to save your son’s life. But no matter what goes on today or tomorrow, please know that Logan loves you. Your girls love you. There is a whole community of friends, family, and fellow momma’s that are here to support you, and offer you anything you may need. But more importantly, I know that you are human. I can only imagine that Logan’s diagnosis is not only overwhelming, but life’s every day doings can be a lot too. You are human and you don’t want to have to deal with any of this, but you have no choice so you keep pushing through to the next day, every time searching for more and more. Hoping for more. Praying for an answer. We are all here for you. Praying every day. Searching for a few answers of our own everyday. Taking care of our loved ones differently everyday.

The amount of research you have put into this has been eye opening. I thought I knew a lot in this area already, but I keep learning more and more each day with every post you share. During this time I urge you to not find blame within yourself. I fear that at some point you might feel that this was somehow your fault (as noted by the different families I have witnessed to losing loved ones to cancer). But it’s not. The universe handed you fat lemon, and even though it seems impossible, I see that you are not going to give up, and everyone that is supporting you won’t give up either. So ignore that voice if you should ever hear it. Don’t listen to the lie that you haven’t been doing enough to show Logan how much you love him. You have been doing everything you can since the day he was born. Now you are in overdrive, but even then, you have always been the best momma, and doctor/nurse, to your children since the day you knew you were to become a mom.

Logan is lucky to have you. As are your 2 little girls. Khloe and Aria are so blessed by the amount of love and care you have been providing to them, and they are so blessed to witness the superhero you have become for Logan. They know that no matter what happens, you will give it your all for them.

That’s what I’m witnessing now. You are giving your entire life in the ways you know how, just for Logan. I can only hope that if I am ever faced with a difficult situation like this, that I can summon the kind of strength that you have.

Thank you for being such an amazing momma. Thank you for being there for me when I’ve needed you, even if it was a few spared words for hope. I can only hope that I can offer you the same in return.

The emotional roller coaster you have been thrown into isn’t fair. This is not the life that any one would wish upon their worst enemies. Logan doesn’t deserve this. Your family doesn’t deserve this.

At this point I pray that God can show you His will in all of this. That even though if it hurts, you can still find a way to continue to praise Him and thank Him for Logan. I listened to Laura Story’s song Blessings and I cried instantly.

This part in particular:

“And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?”

Perspective has become everything.His perspective. Your perspective. My perspective. It’s all different now.

I try harder when it comes to loving my kids. I try to embrace my kids, even when they are going crazy up the walls. I shout less. I get angry less. Well, at least I try to be. I’m a work in progress. But your experience has caused me to kick it into high gear because it’s a reminder that life is not guaranteed. The time we spend with our loved ones is a gift. Every person we come to know, and love, they’re our greatest blessings.

I hope that your days get better. That Logan becomes stronger. That every one who is following your story, can come out with something more, so that when they go back to their life, they can do something more. All for you. All for Logan. ❀

sleepylogan

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